Cade’s Rules on Food

I started mentally formulating this list when I was nine or ten years old. It all started when my family and I were at some family function at my Aunt Kenna’s house in Orem, Utah. Kenna had made some brownies and cookies that looked pretty good from across the room. I went over, picked up a brownie and took a bite. What did I find in the brownie? Chocolate chips? Caramel? Mint filling? NO! I found zucchini and nuts!!! Man, was I ever freaked-out. Since that day I have been adding to my “list” and verbally sharing it with friends and family whenever I felt it necessary (which is pretty often). Today at work, someone asked me if I wanted some “delicious” banana bread. I politely declined their invitation. Their response was something to the effect of “but it’s so good, here you have to try it”. I had been pushed too far and had to fill them in on my hard and fast rules. I feel that it is now time to codify these rules so that they may be ratified by a two-thirds majority of both houses of Congress and become the 28th Amendment to the Constitution. These rules are so well known in my family, that my niece, Ashlie, made this “delicious” pie just for me this past Thanksgiving.
It contained all sorts of rule-breaking items in it and was topped off with a sacrilegious U. Needless to say, I didn’t partake.

So, without further delay, here are the rules!

Rule 1. Absolutely no vegetables in dessert - no exceptions (don't even bring up pumpkin pie or carrot cake).

Rule 2. No Zucchini in anything!!!

Rule 3. No hot dogs. I am no fan of “gut bombs”, as anyone who knows me can attest. If you want to know what hot dogs are made out of, just go to Blockbuster and rent The Great Outdoors. The last time I ate a hot dog was in 1992 while on my mission in Louisiana. That night I threw up. This rule will never be broken.

Rule 4. Absolutely no raisins, bananas, prunes or dates alone or in anything - no exceptions. These “foods” should never be eaten by anyone, ever. What did that poor little grape do to deserve its fate of being dried out into a wrinkly little nugget of nastiness?

Rule 5. No nuts in anything (this rule may be broken occasionally, like Almond M&M's, Snickers bars, etc.). I will gladly eat a handful of peanuts or almonds (mmm… honey roasted), just not IN almost anything.

Rule 6. No fruit in bread (one exception – blueberry muffins). I can still hear some of you bringing up banana bread, but, in case you have forgotten, I ask you to read the beginning of this post for clarification

Rule 7. No semi-sweet chocolate chips - ever. Nothing is worse than biting into a delicious-looking chocolate chip cookie and instead of yummy milk chocolate chips; you get that bitter taste of semi-sweet chocolate. And yes, I am aware of Nestle Tollhouse cookies and they are not any good.




Rule 8. Sugar is king. No NutraSweet, saccharin, Splenda, etc. Nothing but the real thing, baby. Stacy makes Crystal Light lemonade and says that it tastes just like real lemonade. If it tasted just like real lemonade they wouldn’t have named it Crystal Light. Same with Diet Coke, Coke Zero, etc. If they were as good as Coke, they would be called Coke and I would be a lot thinner. Say, that reminds me. Sugar and caffeine do not cause all of the world’s problems. My mother is a firm believer in this false theory and I could not disagree more. When I was in high school my mom would preach this to me continually. One time I sprained my ankle very badly playing basketball. On the way to the hospital (I had gone to the emergency room so many times I could drive there with my eyes closed) my mom said it was because I had too much sugar and caffeine in my body. I replied that the reason I sprained my ankle was that I had played without my high-top basketball shoes. You decide who was right. To this day, both of us still stand firmly behind our positions.

Rule 9. No coconut. The only exception to this is fried ice cream, although it is way better when made with crushed corn flakes instead of coconut. Is there any worse candy bar than Mounds or Almond Joy? When I was a kid, I remember that I always felt “ripped-off” if someone gave me either of these candy bars on Halloween. Trust me, the bottom of my Halloween bags contained many uneaten Mounds and Almond Joy candy bars. In fact, if the people who currently own our old house in Richfield were to look way back in the corner of the closet in my bedroom, they may still find some of these items stuffed back there.

Rule 10. Fake cheese (Kraft singles, Velveeta, etc.) is not even close to as good as real cheese. Anything that is called “pasteurized process cheese food” is not as good as real cheese. Enough said. It is an insult to us in the USA that fake cheese is named American cheese. I hope everyone is as upset about this as I am. I am continually amazed/disgusted when my wife and children choose fake cheese over real cheese. My kids call it "squishy" cheese. Does anyone really want to eat anything that is "squishy"? I don't think so

I hope that you have enjoyed my rules and welcome any comments. I may have forgotten one or more rules that I have stated in the past, so please, remind me of them so that I may add them to my list. Until next time, down with zucchini.