4 kids...that's all I wanted. That was my limit. We had 4 kids in less than 7 years and none of them were multiples. We had been buying diapers for over 7 years straight and I was so ready to be done with that. We had been through 4 difficult pregnancies and I was more than ready to close that chapter of my life. There were no "empty chairs" at our dinner table in my opinion and I felt totally at peace with the decision to be done bearing children. Well, sort of. When people would ask me how I knew I was done and if I had prayed about that decision, I realized that I was deliberately NOT praying about it. Perhaps I knew what His answer would be and I just didn't want to hear it. Anyway I was fine with not praying about it. After all, I knew my own physical and emotional limits better than any one else, right? HAH! One fateful Monday morning in early January 2007 I was vacuuming and I mused that I hadn't had a period in December. Strange, I thought, since my body is like clockwork that way. That little "could I be pregnant?" voice whispered to me and I shoved it aside and continued vacuuming and tried to think bout something/anything else, but that nagging voice kept getting louder and louder until even the vacuuming couldn't drown it out! Ridiculous, not to mention impossible I thought as I turned off the vacuum, but even so I decided to make an emergency run to Walgreens for the pregnancy test just to rule it out. My body is like clockwork, I tell you! I dragged my two little ones with me and blushed at the cash register clerk like I always do when I buy those things! I took it immediately - I didn't have the patience to wait for "morning urine" (does anyone?) It was positive, of course...extremely positive and I sat there aghast trying to think of how on earth this could have happened. We were so careful...how could it be?...what will I do?...how will this work?...I'm not ready...I didn't choose this!!! My own selfish and bitter thoughts drove me to tears as I realize how terrible I sounded. The Lord had just handed me a huge blessing, one I didn't even ask for and I was completely ungrateful at that moment. Shame on me. The tears flowed even harder and I made the phone call to Cade. He was as shocked as I was but calmly reassured me that everything would be okay and things would work out for us. Cade's so good that way, always the voice of reason when I'm in a panic. In my state of panic I kept thinking of how I needed my mom. We had been living in Arizona for 8 years without my mom and had no major plans to move to Utah, but for some reason I kept thinking about how much I needed my mom! As the days went by and the morning sickness/severe depression hit, the feeling that we needed to move to Utah would not subside so I decided to express to Cade these bizarre thoughts, thinking he would roll his eyes and try to change the subject. Instead, he told me that he had been feeling that exact same way and thought he should ask his boss (who just happens to be his brother, Mike) if there were any positions open in Salt Lake. Astonishingly, there was. They were creating the position of Corporate Parts Manager, and thought Cade would be a great fit. He enthusiastically accepted the job offer and our house was up on the market a few weeks later. Our enthusiasm began to wane as we realized the housing market was not nearly as "hot" as it had been in months prior, and began dropping the price little by little in hopes of attracting the perfect buyer. The perfect buyer was nowhere to be found and I was getting more pregnant by the day. We were in a quandary. Do we wait for the house to sell, keep the kids in their school and have the baby here in Arizona while Cade commutes back and forth to Utah? Or do we leave our house vacant and and try and get somewhat settled in Utah before the baby comes? We decided on the latter, packed up our stuff and tearfully said goodbye to our amazing friends and family and headed up north. Because we were trying to sell a house in a really crummy market we played it safe and moved in with Cade's parents...and waited. Waited for our dumb house to sell, waited for a baby that I felt no connection to at all. It sucked. Limbo is a bad bad place. It makes you doubt yourself, it makes you doubt others, it makes you bitter, it's completely frustrating!!! Despite Cade's parents' care and hospitality(they were great), I was dying to be settled in a place of our own. I was a fish out of water and I didn't know how long I could flounder before I hit my breaking point. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life, and I know I resented the little nuisance in my huge belly for turning our lives upside down and landing us in Limbo. And then one day, August 27th to be exact, something happened. Something miraculous and beautiful and perfectly wonderful happened. Rachel Elizabeth was born...
She was happy and healthy and from the moment I laid eyes on her, my heart melted. I cried and cried and cried there on the delivery table (just ask my husband and my sister and my mom) as I released 9 months worth of fear, anxiety, stress, pain and resentment. It was replaced with love, pure love, God's love, and I was healed. At that moment I knew that God loved me, that He had a plan for me, and that plan included not 4, but 5 beautiful children. Rachel is indeed a gift, hand-picked for all of us to love and enjoy...and we do! Her little light shines so bright and we all get to benefit from it every day. What a blessing! How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me better that I know myself and knows what I want even better that I know what I want. Thank goodness. 
Happy 1st Birthday Rachel Baby!
